


Finding a Truth

by goldtoashes, heirsofbrokenlegacies (jarofhearts)



Series: Making the most of loving you [5]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Brotherly Love, Falling In Love, Good Older Sibling Maedhros (Tolkien), M/M, Maglor and his bleeding heart, Mutual Pining, Years of the Trees, the tragic story of Aredhel and Celegorm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtoashes/pseuds/goldtoashes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofhearts/pseuds/heirsofbrokenlegacies
Summary: Maitimo realizes how much his feelings for Findekáno have changed over time. Good thing he isn't the only Fëanárion with romantic issues.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo, Maedhros | Maitimo & Maglor | Makalaurë, hints of Aredhel/Celegorm
Series: Making the most of loving you [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034202
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Finding a Truth

Of course in the years that followed, there were days when I had doubts. When my father took us all on long journeys to the edges of what we knew of Aman, where the light of the trees was faint and the stars winked down in millions, and I didn’t see Fin for long stretches of time, of course I had to wonder sometimes if he was right.

If his conviction hadn’t been born more out of youthful emotions than real, instinctive knowledge.

But there was a moment when I started to realize that he really _was_ right, and I remember it with stark, startling clarity.

I had my arm slung around his waist even though it wouldn’t strictly have been necessary - we both were excellent riders, after all. And Turcanna was a powerful but steady horse, unlikely to make an unexpected move that might require either of us to fight for our balance.

It didn’t matter. I didn’t want to take my arm away, could barely stop myself from tipping down my head and pressing my nose into Fin’s hair to breathe in more of that scent nestled into the dark strands.

Of course it wasn’t the first time I realized just how much he had grown. But it was very real now, with the warm lines of his back against my chest, the instinctive, natural way we moved with each other, the mature sound of his laughter at a comment from Findo.

I didn’t even know _what_ had changed. Trying to wrap my head around it was taking up so much of my concentration that I was barely able to follow the conversation going back and forth around me.

“… should hurry to get back in time,” Turko mused. “Aunt Findis will have our heads if we arrive late for our history lesson.”

“Oh, who cares about that,” Tyelko laughed, bristling with energy and obviously being in high spirits. “What was it about today, the arrival of the Teleri or something? Well they were late, so we can be, too! Or we blame it all on Findo, they’re his people after all!”

Everyone laughed, even Findo who made a playfully indignant face. “What, you’re blaming _me_ now? What about Fin and his crazy riding shenanigans?”

“Oh, come on, it was just bad luck,” Fin gave back seemingly light-hearted, but I caught the small hint of guilt in his voice as well as the brief look at Larciel who was slowly trotting beside us with a slight limp in her step. Vórimo was next to her, only half her size but clearly worried, nudging her nose with his own every so often instead of prancing around happily like he had done throughout most of their outing.

It made me smile, and I gave Fin a reassuring squeeze.

“Tell that to her,” Tyelko smirked and gestured at Larciel, causing Rissi to reach over and swat at him. It made Tyelko laugh, catching her hand before she could do it again, and I shook my head.

“It wasn’t ill will, and she’ll be fine,” I threw in so Fin hopefully wouldn’t feel any worse. “Just a little sprain.” I knew that for sure, having had a closer look at her fetlock after that little almost accident. And despite Fin’s well-known daringness, even he couldn’t have foreseen the muddy patch on the otherwise dry path through the woods that had been hidden from sight behind an old trunk. Of course, he was much too kind-hearted not to worry still.

“She _will_ be, right?” he asked softly and only for my ears, giving me a questioning look back over his shoulder. 

The way it made my heart twist in my chest felt new.

“Just fine. Promise,” I murmured back and gave him a reassuring little smile. “She just needs rest.”

The way he smiled back at me and how the grey-blue eyes lit up with unspoken trust sent another tumble and a surge of warmth through my chest.

“Well… thanks for letting me ride with you.”

It took me a moment to realize that we had arrived at the outpost outside Tirion, a small stable filled with every care essential for the horses that were roaming the plains outside of the city and further inland. The others were already dismounting, chattering amongst themselves again, and I released my hold on Fin.

Reluctantly. But I would never admit to that out loud.

“My pleasure,” I smiled instead, and made myself slide off Turcanna’s back. Fin followed right away by throwing his leg over her neck and jumping off gracefully.

“Maybe you could help me bandage her fetlock, though?” he asked, patting Turcanna’s neck. “You’re better with these things, I want her to be better as soon as possible.”

“We don’t have the time, Fin,” Turko spoke up, already brushing down his chestnut stallion. I could see Tyelko and Rissi rolling their eyes at the same time, and then sharing a grin as soon as they realized.

“I can take care of her,” I reassured Fin, torn between wanting him to stay for a while longer, and needing the time to clear my thoughts. He looked at me and gave me another small, private smile.

“But - I’ve been taught that it’s important to always take care of my horse myself,” he said, his eyes twinkling. Of course, the one who had taught him that had been me, the first time I had taken him out here when he had still been a little boy who had barely learned how to walk. I could still remember how I had easily lifted him up and put him on the back of his pony and how Fin had laughed and giggled, burying his hands in the mane. How was it even possible that I could remember that moment so clearly, yet feel so different about my cousin now to that purely brotherly feeling of that time?

Or not different, maybe. _More_.

I had to avert my eyes, stroke Turcanna’s mane, just so that the emotion wouldn’t overwhelm me. But still I smiled.

“And if you cannot, always make sure there is someone else to take care of them.”

“Alright,” Fin conceded with a wink. “Thank you. I’ll come back to check on her as soon as Aunt Findis lets us off.”

Yet he didn’t hurry away just yet, but reached to rub Larciel’s neck who had slowly trotted over, smiling when she affectionately nudged his side with her head. “My poor girl. You stay with Nelyo until I get back, right?” he muttered softly. “He’ll take good care of you, I promise.”

He really had learned much from me in the handling of horses.

Vórimo was nudging his head under my arm just then, and it was a nice way to distract myself, a justification to smile when I already was. I turned to him, the foal I had helped Turcanna birth not too long ago, and tipped my forehead against his.

“Hey little one. Did you have fun?” I murmured to him, caressing his soft ear with my thumb.

“He was keeping up nicely,” Fin commented. “I bet he’ll be faster than any other horse once he’s grown.”

“Are you coming or what?” Tyelko boomed from across the meadow. “I thought only your horse was lame, not you!”

Fin rolled his eyes, pretending he hadn’t heard, just for Rissi to add even louder, “Finno, hurry! There’s plenty of time for cuddling and dallying later!”

“Oh shut up, I’m coming!” Fin yelled back in her direction, but he didn’t turn quickly enough for me to miss the faint blush that was rising on his cheeks. 

We hadn’t talked about the moment in the library again, and Fin hadn’t tried to kiss me or anything like it ever since. And though we had both attempted to act normal since then, of course it had been standing between us. The question he hadn’t dared to ask again that I hadn’t dared to answer just yet. 

“I’ll see you later,” I told him with a private little smile, stroking Vórimo’s nose while I watched Fin who nodded and, after a long moment, turned to join the others.

“Káno?” Tyelko called, but our brother shook his head.

“I don’t have lessons to get back to. I’ll help Nelyo.”

We watched the younger elves walk off together, Findo and Turko as usual walking together joined in an eager discussion while Fin, Rissi, and Tyelko were still bantering and laughing.

“Hm,” Káno hummed with a grin, following my gaze, just when Fin looked back over his shoulder to smile and wave at me.

The simple sound made my heart jump up into my throat. But I made myself glance over at him, and keep my voice level. “Hmm?”

His grin widened. “So… are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Turcanna and Vórimo must have sensed my disquiet. The little one was nudging my side again, and I could hear his mother snort softly behind me.

“About what exactly?”

Káno raised his eyebrows at me. “Come on, don’t tell me you missed this.”

“ _Káno_.” Maybe my voice was sharper than it had the right to be, but I could not help myself. “Spit it out.”

He gave me a bit of a funny look but then shrugged, reaching out to stroke Vórimo’s neck. “Tyelko and Rissi? Honestly, I don’t think I have ever seen our baby brother trying so hard to impress anyone, save Aldaron, maybe. Did you really not notice?”

Oh _stars_.

I barely managed to hold back my sight of relief, and it took me a moment to catch up with what my brother had just said.

Tyelko and Rissi. _Right_.

“I did notice,” I said slowly, finally turning to the small stable to fetch fabric to bandage Larciel’s ankle. What I didn’t add was that I hadn’t noticed _today_. Not with Fin riding with me. “He has become a little more obvious, hasn’t he?”

“A little?” Káno rolled his eyes, accompanying me. “That’s the understatement of a century. He was acting like a damn peacock and worse, I think it was working. They are absolutely _obnoxious_ together _._ ”

With my shoulders slowly untensing, I was now able to laugh, and to smile down at Vórimo who had followed us to curiously peek into the small stable.

“You’re not wrong. But they have always been two birds of a feather, in many ways. Remember how she was the only small child he ever had any real patience for?”

“Right.” Káno rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “But I mean, isn’t she - isn’t she still way too young to flutter her eyes at our brother? Or he at her?”

Rissi certainly was still young, but she wasn’t quite a child anymore. I felt the corners of my mouth twitching, and I chucked one of the wooden brushes at his chest so that he had to scramble to catch it. In truth, she was just about the age Fin had been when he had first kissed me.

Old enough to know, sometimes, it seemed.

“I think you need to stop thinking of all our brothers and cousins as children. They’re growing fast.”

“They are indeed, and at a scary pace! Turko is almost your height now, I wonder if he’ll ever stop growing. And the younger nissi are all starting to talk and make eyes at Fin and Findo. Or so I’ve heard, at least.”

The way the words made my heart stumble was… telling. Fin had always been a friend to many, admired by all, beautiful and freely giving in his good spirits and affections as he was. I could not blame one of them.

I had never felt as grateful for Fin’s devotion as I did right then.

“Is it really so surprising then that Tyelko and Rissi are making eyes at each other?”

I had finally found the bandages and headed out of the stable and back to where Larciel was standing, favoring her sprained fetlock, Káno and Vórimo trailing in my wake. 

“Maybe not,” my brother admitted. “But… you don’t think there’s anything serious to this, do you?”

Now there was a question. Was it possible for something like this to happen across the same two families twice?

But maybe it was too early to just assume.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, stroking my hand over Larciel’s neck. She snorted softly and tipped her nose against my chest. “Don’t worry, beautiful. We’ll make sure your leg will be fine,” I murmured to her, stroked her nose and then rounded her, crouching down to begin gently feeling her lower leg. “Time will tell, right?”

“You seem quite relaxed about this,” Káno observed as he headed to Larciel’s other side and started to brush her flanks off. “Aside from the fact that she’s family and it would be quite the scandal - can you even _imagine_ father’s reaction if his son were to take a Ñolofinwëan wife?” He clicked his tongue. “Don’t you think we should talk to Tyelko about it before they do something stupid they’d both regret?”

The question echoed in my mind as my fingers gently worked on Larciel’s leg - a good excuse to not answer immediately.

I _could_ imagine father’s reaction, even though that was not something I had allowed myself to ponder too much just yet, too caught up, it seemed, in Fin and the wealth of new emotions that had sprung to life in my chest for him. And still, even now, I was reluctant to even consider what the consequences could be.

“They’re only half-cousins,” was what I decided to settle on instead, the words only a murmur as I reached for the bandage and carefully began wrapping it around Larciel’s ankle. “And what would you even want to say to him?”

“I don’t know, tell him not to rush into something or not bonding with her or…” Despite the gravity of the topic, Káno’s voice sounded unconcerned. “Well, you’re the responsible one, right? You always know what to say.”

It wasn’t really a bad idea, to tell our brother not to rush into anything, considering his age and the nature of his temperament. And yet I found myself reluctant to agree, considering how little I would like anyone else to know how I had started to look at Fin.

“I don’t think we need to say anything,” I replied eventually, carefully fixing the ends of the bandage. “At least not yet. It’s rather personal, don’t you think?”

“Since when has that ever stopped you?” my brother replied, a good-natured taunt in his voice.

I tried not to be annoyed with him. Because usually, he wasn’t really wrong, yet this felt like a different situation.

“I guess I will draw a line at matters of the heart,” I sighed, tested the bandage, and then got back to my feet. “We don’t know if there’s anything serious there. And if there is, you know Tyelko wouldn’t want us to butt in.”

Káno gave a huff. “What Tyelko _wants_ changes as quickly as the weather. I don’t really trust him with a decision like that.”

I let out a little laugh. “And you think if he does anything Rissi doesn’t like, she won’t _end_ him?”

“That she would. But she’s so young too, and…” He trailed off, his voice thoughtful. “Well, I guess if you’re not concerned, neither should I be. It’s just, I cannot imagine Tyelko entering a bond and _belonging to_ anyone but himself. Can you?”

Belonging.

The word dragged me back to the memory of Fin’s back against my chest, of the bone deep feeling that he was right - that _this_ was right. That I could not imagine anymore _not_ belonging to this beautiful creature.

Káno looked so deeply in thought that he was only going through the motion when I looked at him again. So I went over and plucked the brush out of his hand, taking over.

“Why not? We only just talked about them growing up. He won’t be this rambunctious boy forever.”

“Yes, maybe,” he said absent-mindedly. “I suppose I’m just wondering whether they would… or _could_ know yet that they’re right for each other. How they would know the difference between a romance and something much deeper.”

I had to wonder where those thoughts of his really came from. My oldest brother had always been the introspective kind, experiencing the world in a more sensitive way than the rest of us. If maybe he was thinking about this so much because it somehow pertained to him as well.

Cautiously curious, I stopped brushing down Larciel and looked at Káno.

“Why are you wondering?”

Káno hummed, absent-mindedly scratching Vórimo’s ears. “I’ve been thinking about this lately, you know. There are many nissi that I like, but I never met one that felt like the one for me.” He gave me a look and the worry in his eyes betrayed the casualty of his voice. “Do you think I’m being too much of a poet about this? Expecting too much?”

Instantly I could feel how my features softened, how a wry little smile spread on my face. Trust Káno to worry about such a thing.

“I do think you are probably worrying a little too much,” I told him and turned back to Larciel to finish with her. “Maybe the one for you is still an infant, or not even born yet. Or maybe you just haven’t had the chance to speak to them yet.” Another couple of strokes and I lowered the brush, stepping up next to her head to say my goodbyes, lightly running my hand over her nose. “It sounds like you’re anxiously waiting already.”

He sighed, somewhat frustrated. “Everyone always assumes there’s someone waiting for all of us just around the corner. Father certainly does. But what if she will not be born for many, many ages and I have to stay alone for that long?” He gave me an uncertain look. “Or what if there isn’t someone for me at all?”

“Káno, no.” Instead of walking over to where Turcanna was grazing as had been my plan, I fully turned to my brother. “Why shouldn’t there be anyone for you? Do you have any reason at all to fear that?”

“I don’t know. Probably not,” he muttered a little miserably, then looked back at me. “I suppose I just feel that it… should have happened by now. I know you’re not married either but just to think that _Tyelko_ of all people would find a wife before we do…”

That would indeed be something no one would have expected. Not me either, I would readily admit. But there were a lot of things I had not expected.

Like finding someone without having to look - someone who had always been right in front of me. That, at least, was what my _heart_ told me, what it had been screaming at me louder and louder each time I had seen Fin for a while now. It had simply taken me a long time to listen, to entertain the possibility. Because even now, my head insisted on reminding me how… _absurd_ it seemed.

 _I’m your cousin_ , I still remembered telling him after he had kissed me. And despite all the years of time I’d had to agonize over the question whether Eru would truly want a bond between two souls in one family - even if we did only share one grandparent - I had not found a conclusive answer. But how could I? If anyone knew the will of Eru, it might be Manwë, not me.

And now it did not even only pertain to me and Fin, but just maybe, to Tyelko and Rissi as well.

What a mess we had found ourselves in. If _father_ knew…

I quickly cast the thought away, crossed the distance between me and my brother, and drew him into a hug.

“Don’t let a ‘what if’ like that drag your spirits down,” I told him firmly. “You will find someone who will make your heart race and your soul feel at home, if it’s tomorrow, or next year, or in a decade.”

“Look who’s the poet now.” But despite his attempt to joke to keep the mood light, I could hear the warmth in his voice and how it was just a little bit shaky as he hugged me back. “I suppose you are right… I guess this is just father getting into my head of late.”

With a sympathetic grimace, I drew away to give him a wry little smile, hands holding his shoulders. “I do know what you mean. How about we drag Turcanna and Lirulin along for one more ride and take a bath in the river to get him _out_ of your head?”

Káno gave me a broad smile. “You mean without having to look out for our horde of younger siblings and cousins and making sure no one breaks their neck for once?” But then the look in his eyes turned soft. “Thank you, Nelyo. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The smile on my face widened, and I could feel some of my own bewildered and conflicted thoughts give way to something more familiar, something lighter. “That is exactly what I mean. And know that you, too, keep me sane, little brother.” Lightning quick, I reached out to ruffle the crown of his hair, just before he was able to dance out of my range. He gave me a glare that was clearly betrayed by the twitching corners of his mouth.

“Will you _ever_ stop doing that?!”

“Hopefully not,” I laughed and determined to make us both forget everything else for the rest of our day. It would be good for me too, I know. A brief respite before later, tonight in my bed, I knew I would succumb once more to thoughts about Fin, and how to take that one step he had been waiting for for so many years.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're having some time to relax at the end of this troublesome year and enjoy the next part of our little series. As always, your comments make our day and are highly welcome! :-)


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